The One About the Fat Wifey

Dear Agnes:

Bertha’s front

Bertha’s rear(s)

My wife and I have been married for 42 years. Bertha is a mostly-loving wife, absent mother and an average, adequately-educated woman. She has always had a problem with her weight, and this has made her unhappy (she has been tried and acquitted three times of the involuntary manslaughter of three previous boyfriends). Last year, she went on a new diet (the one turkey/one quart of plain yoghurt diet) and slimmed down considerably to a gorgeous 350 lbs. She is now a size 26 and looks fantastic!

The problem is Bertha’s taste (or lack there of) in clothes. She has always worn baggy, shapeless slacks and tops — quite a lot of cloth for one woman to carry around, frankly. I think she should show off her new figure, but she isn’t interested. I have even taken her shopping and selected clothes that are more fitted — tube tops, spandex, leggings, see-thru push-up bra, crotchless panties, mesh workout shirts — but she refuses to buy them. How can I convince her that she has a fabulous body and ought to be proud to let people see it?

I’ve attached two photos of Bertha for you to see for yourself.

Hungry for some deep-fried lovin’,

West Texas Bubba

Dear Bubba:

It may take a while for Bertha to see herself (or her shoes) as you do and dress accordingly. Meanwhile, smother her … with whipped cream and compliments. Enlist the help of the sales personnel when you take her shopping. Slip them a Franklin for their efforts.

And be more amorous, more often. That ought to convince her to at least give the mesh outfits in her wardrobe a much-deserved rotation.

Your best friend,

July 4th, 2006