The One About the Stalker

Dear Agnes:

There’s this guy. I won’t use his real name. Let’s call him “Darb”. I want to see his naked furry butt in a jockstrap. Now normally this wouldn’t be a problem. My powers of persuasion are very strong. And when in doubt there’s always sneaking around in the bushes outside someone’s window.

The problem is that he lives far away. So I have limited powers of persuasion. What would you recommend I say and/or do to convince him to do what I want him to send me this snapshot? Should I flatter? Demand it? Send gifts?

What do you recommend I do when I want him to do something? He’s very independent and sassy and likes to have his own way.

Eager in California

Dear Eager,

From the slants and loops in your letter, you’re most likely a Virgo *AND* the person who is always sneaking around “Darb’s” bushes! Shame on you, Virgo.

By your description I gather this independent man is sassy and likes to have his own way, even though you said it in your email I guessed it ahead of time. I’m having a VERY psychic run this week. Just this morning I had a vision that the mailman would have a horrified look on his face if I opened the door nude and asked him to lick my stamp. Guess what? HANDS ON BUZZERS! Lucky Seven! HE WAS HORRIFIED. I don’t know how I knew it, but I just did, I’m happy to say. It’s downright spooky.

Miss Agnes is consulting her magic crystal ball … it sounds like “Darb” is a Gemini … BOY you’re in for a rough storm! Your powers of persuasion are most likely not a match for his brilliance and wit … and power of avoidance! I have many good Gemini friends: Marylin, Prince (the artist formerly known as >0– >), Joan Rivers, and Ally Sheedy, and find them to be unpredictable, fickle, freakish, and darkhearted, but with a hiLARIous sense of humor. They make a great croquet partner and usually play a MEAN accordian. All of this spells trouble for you, Eager, especially with his furry mutt. I’m an AVID dog lover, but if this mutt has teamed up with a Gemini, there’s trouble-a-brewin. It’s a general rule that any Gemini with a dog has an evil heart. Example: Joan Rivers and her terriers. Also, I’m not sure why you want to see his dog in a jockstrap, but seeing as how you’re from California, I’m not surprised.

But back to the question! What do I recommend when you want him to do something? Have you tried the “How about if … ?” trick? That gets most Geminis most of the time. As with all Geminis, my guess is that with enough gifts, gifts, and/or gifts, you’ll most likely see something popping up in your mailbox very soon. And stay out of his bushes!!!

Your best friend,

July 4th, 2006