The One About the Anniversary

Dear Agnes:

My parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next year. They have always wanted to take a cruise with the family. My brother and sister think this is a wonderful idea, which makes sense because they can afford it. I cannot and I don’t want to have to sell another child to fund a vacation. That would only leave three to clean the house and cook.

My parents have offered to help pay for our tickets, but my husband refuses to permit it. He says if we cannot afford it, we shouldn’t go. Meanwhile, everyone else will be celebrating with my parents, and I will be stuck at home with my asshole husband and four yappy little mouths to feed. My parents would feel terrible if we did not participate in this important event, but I am getting a lot of pressure from my husband to stay home. What should I do?

NY Mafia Crime Boss Daughter

Dear Dago Daughter,

It would be a shame to miss out on your parents’ 50th anniversary celebration because of money.

Ask your husband if he would be willing to pick up your cousin Sal at the pier late on Friday night and have him iced. Then use the insurance money to fund the vacation. While you’re at it, keep up the frugality by kidnapping and selling a neighbours’ child rather than your own. You can buy yourself a new sundress! Then, inform your folks that you are taking them up on their generous offer to tag along on the trip, and offer to give them Sal as a wedding present, on the condition that they never question the untimely death of your husband, or talk with Hard Copy, for at least five years (statute of limitations for fraud in NY). And see that they keep their word. Show them you’re serious by sending their new puppy, Puddles, on his own little vacation to Dirt Heaven. Have a nice trip.

Your best friend,

July 4th, 2006