The One About the Queer Boyfriend

Dear Agnes:

My husband has been supporting a man for the last nine months. So far he has given him a house, a $6,000 truck and has paid all of his bills. I went away for a week, and when I came back, I found this man in my house. What do I do?

FRUIT FLY IN TRAINING?

Dear FFT,

Not to fear. Most likely they’re just good friends. Yeah, and I’m the frickin’ Virgin of Guadalupe. You’ve got to face facts. Your man likes the pole and the hole, and your wedding bed apparently ain’t getting any fresher. In fact, I’d venture to say it’s starting to smell of aftershave. And not the Aqua Velva you bought your happy hubby for Hanukkah.

Confront your husband, tell him you put a web cam in the bedroom and you didn’t see them doing anything that you two couldn’t do yourselves. Tell him it’s time to play the slot machine or take his roll of quarters over to the the Pai-Gow Poker table.

And remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, unless you need leverage during the divorce proceedings. Nothing says I’ll miss being with you like a cleverly wrapped video tape mailed to, say, his workplace or his parents’ house.

Your best friend,

July 4th, 2006