The One About the Itchy Coochie

Dear Agnes:

My crotch is on fire. I’m afraid if I itch it, it will become all red and puffy. What to dooooooooo?

Your Friend Jerri…..
Flat point, IL

P.S. My boyfriend requested that I pee on him. Do you think he has a skin infection?

Dear Jerri,

I had a sad, socially poignant, especially touching story I wanted to share with you, but here’s a different one about my runaway sister, Jerri:

Once upon a time I had a sister named Jerri. Jerri wanted to go to a party, but Father said no. That night she slipped him some ludes in his brandy, and he became comatose. Out of guilt and fear of another arrest, Jerri ran away and became a street whore. I still don’t know why she wiped her feces on the lampshade before she left. Was it a secret message to me?

From what I hear, poor Jerri was broke and needed some taxi money to get back to her pimp’s apartment. She worked all day in the bus station restroom, but by the end of the day she had just a couple bucks … hardly enough to get her back home, and her arm was too sore to hitchhike. To cover her taxi fare, she made a deal to perform some tricks in the back of a cab with a “few” other people on the long ride home. She didn’t know it, but one of the passengers waiting in the rear was Mr. Syphy, also called The Great Imitator (I guess because he does funny impersonations at parties).

Twenty-one days later, Jerri had a little passenger of her own: Treponema Pallidum. That darned Mr. Syphy had given her a case of prickly stickly. One dose of penicillin will cure a person who has had syphilis for less than a year. Jerri has needlephobia (fear of needles — a pretty ironic condition for a junky) and didn’t get it treated for several years. She slowly went insane, changed her name, and finally lost her job co-hosting the Live with Regis and Kathy Lee show. The point? Jerri didn’t wuss out and get it checked and neither should you!

Go find someone to scratch that puffy mess of yours! Wear your syphillis like a badge of honor, as my sister did! Perhaps your warped sense of reality will lead you into a new career as a junky whore? Follow Jerri’s example and your friends will respect you, and so will I.

As for peeing on your boyfriend, I say go for it. Variety is the spice of life, so make it a four-star evening! Here’s a tip: wait for a special occasion such as his mother’s birthday! Nothin’ says lovin’ like spraying him down from head to toe with good old golden sunshine in front of his kinfolk! And who knows? We just might be seeing you on the cover of Time next year for winning a Nobel Prize for finding a cure to skin infection!

PS — Your illegible writing and the way you dotted the ‘i’ in your name reminds me of my own sister’s handwriting. Jerri, if you’re out there, please come home! I miss your bawdy dinnertime stories!

Your best friend,

July 4th, 2006