The One About Humping the Yard Boy

Dear Agnes:

I have a problem. I have a huge crush on my yardboy. I have offered to pay him a dollar extra per hour if he works without his shirt on. He seems to be into it, and now he’s working in the buff…How much more per hour should I pay him? Do you think I have gone too far???

Amanda Humpon,
Spokane, WA

Dear Amanda,

“Too far?” This Miss doesn’t know the meaning of the words! If I had a dollar for every yardboy that I had a crush on or watched secretly through the windows while they painted outside my bedroom, do you know what I’d have? A better lawyer for all the sexual harrassment lawsuits against me!

Getting your gardener to work in the buff is just as lucky as getting your dentist to work in the buff … or your meatman, or your greengrocer, or the lead singer of your favorite funk band, or your car repairmen (I have a strict “No chicks under my hood!” policy).

And anyway, what’s the problem? If you’re single and he’s single, go mingle! Unless of course you’re married. In that case your husband will have to get in on the deal to make it a fair trade. Put on some Doctor Funk, have them clean each others’ gutters, or perhaps they can dig together in your backyard or root around your flower bed? Make a day of it. Pack a picnic basket of your favorite condom-mints (catsup, mustard, etc.) Sounds like a dream, you lucky woman! Don’t forget the cucumbers!

To answer your question, a cool dollar fifty sounds like a good price to keep this hunk-a-hunka-burnin’-yard-waste as god intended him to be: naked, gardening, glistening with sweat, and working hard under a woman.

PS! My old pussy…willow has a nasty case of root rot and a mild beetle infestation. When you’re done with him, send him my way!

Your best friend,

July 4th, 2006

The One About The Fantasy Man

Dear Agnes:

I am engaged to be married on Valentine’s Day. He is a wonderful man; we have been together for three weeks. It will be the seventh marriage for both. I really like this man. He’s funny, witty and kind. He loves me and my children, and they love him very much (when he’s not in jail).

My problem is I do not feel that we’re soul mates. Is this just a fantasy? What if I’m making another mistake? I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I can’t help feeling that since I don’t feel butterflies after being with him for more than three years, something is missing. And being a hefty lady, there aren’t too many propsectors out there looking to dig in my gold mine.

Am I being silly or looking for something that does not exist?

GORILLA IN THE MIDST

Dear GIM,

Soulmates is one of my favorite movies, and I’m glad you enjoy it, too! From IMDB “Immortal Richard Wayborn uses the bodies of the young women he kills to temporarily bring his wife back from the dead. They’re Soul Mates. But Sara, his latest target, may be more than he bargained for.” Talk about butterflies, Gorilla! Hilarious. I still don’t know why it never got wider distribution. If it had the Olsen Twins in it, it would already have a Saturday morning cartoon.

But back to your original question. Yes, that is just fantasy, and most likely you are making another mistake. But where would the world be without mistakes? Wouldn’t we miss watching George W stumble through another sophomoric speech?

You are right, however. Something is missing. There is no such thing as a “soul mate.” That’s just a term used by selfish people to excuse their bad behaviour and break apart healthy families and fuel their ego-centric personalities (such as my ex-husband).

Here’s my advice to you, my friend: make like the other pound-oriented brides of the world and slam some tequila, pop a valium, trade in your aged dad for someone stronger, and just reply “I do” anytime anyone looks your way.

Your lucky groom (and possibly some of his groomsmen if it’s anything like my wedding) will be taking a ride in your mine car caboose in no time!

Save me some cake!

Your best friend,

July 4th, 2006