The One About the Out-of-control Teen

Dear Agnes:

I am currently involved with a semi-decent and somewhat-kind man. He says his name is “Dale.” He has been living with me and my eight children for two months, and we get along very well when he’s sober. The problem is his step-daughter from a previous marriage. I’ll call her “Judy” because I don’t remember her name. She has just a tad little bit of the shakes from a nasty addiction to glint, gleam, and satan’s hairlip. Her pimp overmedicates her, causing her violent mood swings — almost as bad as mine! When the girl is not strung out on barbies, tellies, or shiva, she becomes nervous and cannot “perform good transactions” clearly with her johns. Then, Dale loses his patience and starts to yell at MY kids! I understand his position, tho. I mean, you try dealing with eight kids when you’re coming down after floating some jimmies in a tub of mesc or snorting a boot of skag!

Anyhoo, I have tried to tell my gentleman friend how important it is to keep the girl drugged evenly, even if we have to slip it to her in her food, but he becomes upset with me, calls me a skank ass bitch, and says I am blaming him for her problems, which CLEARLY I am. Recently “Judy” told me she’s going to to “straight” and get off the junk. That means no more hooking, and THAT means no more WonderBread for my kids! She told me she is worried about the long-term effects of the drugs, and is even thinking of going back to high school. I just think she’s being selfish! Dale is concerned that she cannot hook properly without her fix and is also concerned about not being able to afford his monthly subscription to Skanky Juggies (he and I met in the personals section … tru luv!) but he refuses to talk to her about her duty to contribute financially to the family.

I think it’s a mistake for “Judy” to dump the junk, and I don’t think I can pimp the girl on my own without Dale’s consent. Do you have any suggestions?

Drugged up in Detroit

Dear D-in-D,

Yes, Judy is being VERY selfish. Her step-father is trying to avoid his responsibilities to his step-daughter, you, and your eight lovely children. But, all is not lost!

A former pimp associate once told me, “You gotta treat your bitches like a garden store. Your women are your hoes and you gotta keep ‘em cleaned, lined up, and ready for plowing.” I am pretty sure, in fact, that’s where the term “ho” came from!

Here’s what you need to. First, call Judy’s pimp and tell him she’s been stiffing him for 3% and bragging about it to his other girls. Any pimp worth his fedora and feather knows how important it is to maintain respect on the street … and that means bitch-slapping any ho that talks smack (aka “Judy”).

If a little talk with Mister Fist and his sister Switchblade doesn’t get her back on junk and back on the street turning tricks to anyone with $5 and a back seat, then my name isn’t Agnes Sleestak. Let me know how it “hoes”!

Your best friend,

July 4th, 2006

The One About the Inconsiderate Girlfriend

Dear Agnes:

Ho comes to da crib wid no money, so I says you betta gots my crack or mo money. Cause, slap me an abe, Ho! The T.J. hookers struttin’ on stage need their crotches filled, know what I’m sayin!! So I says, Don’t you gots love fo’ me no mo’ baby? Sheeeit, you my bitch, ain’t ya!? Don’t ya be runnin in here like buffy and jodi outta da projects wid nuthen. This ain’t yo crib do you see rats, roaches and an eviction notice.

What to doooo, sheeeit

Pimp Mac Daddy

Dear Pimp Mac,

Thank you for having the courage to write to me addressing a touchy subject. Nepotism has its downsides, but it also has its upsides. While the intricacies of day-to-day office relationships with family members can be quite damaging if problems are not addressed swiftly and directly, they can also lead to stronger bonds of trust between spouses and their children.

In your case, I’d like to address my answer and advise more fully in Jive. Please forgive me of some of it seems a little rusty, but believe me, I feel you, Boo.

I feel so’ry fo’ ya’ cuz’ it seems likes ya’ is real hurtin’ about dis…and it seems likes ya’ real love yo’ mama but, ah’ dink whut gots happened here be dat. Man!..yo’ mama be on some powa’ trip not only at wo’k but at crib too, she gots powa’ ova’ ya’ at wo’k and she gots powa’ ova’ yo’ emoshuns at crib, she knows dat ya’ gots’ta do nuthin t’keep ha’ and dis be whut be makin’ ha’ lose respect fo’ ya’, she obviously sees ya’ as bein’ weak and not some sucka she kin respect. Man! (I’m not sayin’ dis t’hurt ya’ even mo’e, it plum comes across dat way t’me in yo’ postin’) ah’ duzn’t know if ah’ have any advice t’cut dat gots’ta help ya’ but ah’ can say dis…Duzn’t beg, grovel o’ whine, she gots’ta plum look at all uh dat as mo’e weakness. You’s gots’ta stay strong and if nodin’ else rap it out wid her. Ah be baaad… You’s kin alway go and rap t’de main sucka’ upside ya’,(besides her) and let dem know de situashun. You’s dun didn’t say but gots ya’ wo’ked dere longa’ den she has? Just da damn way ya’ described ha’ aggressivness makes me dink dat she likess power. Ah be baaad… If ya’ real wanna keep ha’ ya’ gots’ta reestablish some radical powa’ o’ control but try t’keep it on an even level, nodin’ t’overpowerin’.

Peace out, Dog.

Your best friend,

July 4th, 2006