The One About Humping the Yard Boy

July 4th, 2006 Agnes, Your Best Friend

Dear Agnes:

I have a problem. I have a huge crush on my yardboy. I have offered to pay him a dollar extra per hour if he works without his shirt on. He seems to be into it, and now he’s working in the buff…How much more per hour should I pay him? Do you think I have gone too far???

Amanda Humpon,
Spokane, WA

Dear Amanda,

“Too far?” This Miss doesn’t know the meaning of the words! If I had a dollar for every yardboy that I had a crush on or watched secretly through the windows while they painted outside my bedroom, do you know what I’d have? A better lawyer for all the sexual harrassment lawsuits against me!

Getting your gardener to work in the buff is just as lucky as getting your dentist to work in the buff … or your meatman, or your greengrocer, or the lead singer of your favorite funk band, or your car repairmen (I have a strict “No chicks under my hood!” policy).

And anyway, what’s the problem? If you’re single and he’s single, go mingle! Unless of course you’re married. In that case your husband will have to get in on the deal to make it a fair trade. Put on some Doctor Funk, have them clean each others’ gutters, or perhaps they can dig together in your backyard or root around your flower bed? Make a day of it. Pack a picnic basket of your favorite condom-mints (catsup, mustard, etc.) Sounds like a dream, you lucky woman! Don’t forget the cucumbers!

To answer your question, a cool dollar fifty sounds like a good price to keep this hunk-a-hunka-burnin’-yard-waste as god intended him to be: naked, gardening, glistening with sweat, and working hard under a woman.

PS! My old pussy…willow has a nasty case of root rot and a mild beetle infestation. When you’re done with him, send him my way!

Your best friend,

Entry Filed under: Crush