The One About the High School Sweetheart

July 4th, 2006 Agnes, Your Best Friend

Dear Agnes:

Four years ago, I married my high school “sweetheart,” Niko. We lived in L.A. and planned to buy a Camaro and raise a family of twelve there. Before we settled down, however, Niko decided he should spend a few years living apart in a different climate to see if he liked it better. I agreed, with the understanding that we would move back to L.A. together in three years if things didn’t work out for him.

It’s been four years since Niko moved to Florida. I met two nice conjoined twins (and a couple truckers, oh and a homeless guy, well, a couple of homeless guys) at the Wal*Mart I work at, and we had an affair (at different times, not all at once, except for that one time). Now I am pregnant with triplets, and I’m not sure who the fathers are. This is wonderful news for me, but Niko knew from the beginning that I didn’t want to raise my children away from him. I told him it’s time to come home to LA and be a responsible father to his illegitimate kids, but he won’t hear of it. I wants the babies to be born in LA. Niko says I am welcome to stay in LA, but that he is staying in Florida.

I love Niko with all my heart. How can I convince him to move back to L.A.?

Your biggest fan,
The Unhappy Hooker in the West

Dear Unhappy Hooker:

Shame on Niko for not keeping his word, and shame on you for being such a slut. If I would have kept any of the kids *I* ever had, I DEFINITELY would have treated them a lot better than you’re treating yours.

Now you must decide which is more important — your marriage or your occupation. You’ll be hard pressed to convince Niko to do anything. You need to find a way to put the “oomph” back in your relationship! When you figure it out, you will know what to do, but if you don’t, here’s a hint: a six-pack, a road trip to Florida and a Saturday Night Special in your purse spell romance!

Your best friend,

Entry Filed under: Boyfriend, Children, Lost Love